Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I was driving my penis car around the other day when a cop out of nowhere started to follow me. To be safe I put a condom on and checked my speed, I didn't want to stop too early. It didn't matter though cause that motherfucking cop pulled my penis right over. This hot fuckin bitch sashsy's her way over to my dick and leans right in my window. She didn't even ask for my fucking licence or registration, she just told me to get out of the car and spread em. I said 'I'll tell you what, I'll get out of the car, but when I do I want you to spread them. Do you see this car? Well it's 13 feet long and every foot of that dick is one inch of my dick.' Then the lady fucking fox cop fainted so I had to spread them for her. It was a good thing she passed out though because if she experienced the pleasure I gave her then surely her pussy would've exploded. Fuck yeah.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Man, I fucked this chick that had the hottest ass ever. I swear she must've been diabetic that ass was so sweet. When I fucked her in the ass I made her give me head afterwards so she could feel like she's at the fair eating a candied apple my dick was so sugary sweet.

Monday, June 05, 2006

On Saturday I did what the french call "2 dicks to a chick", also known here in north america as a threesome. Now normally I'm not about joining another man in action, that's a little too batman and robin if you know what I mean, but I had a virgin friend so I had to show him the ins and outs of fucking. So we get fucking hammered and go to a bar and pick up this big titted chubby chick who's fucking horny because she hasn't gotten any man juice since her pussies gotten bigger then her legs (ok, that doesn't make sense, but it's funny), then we took her home and started to fight some crime. This wasn't no normal fuck and suck threesome, where one fucks and the other gets sucked, this was more of a HORSE type threesome, where I would do something and then my virgin buddy would copy me, so he knows what he's doing. In the end I won, only getting the letters HO, coincidently the same letters spelled out in that bitches pussy, but the real winner was in fact big titty, who can now lay claim the fact that she broke the newest horse in town.

Friday, June 02, 2006


The Time Machine Did It

I travelled back in time because I heard eleanor roosevelt was a slut and I always wanted to fuck a political figurehead. So we started fucking and she was orgasming and I was asking her what she thought of the latest butter churner on the market and she came and that was that. Somehow politics never came up. I'd still fuck her again.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

So I was at the symphony today listening to some adagio for strings and tacata and fugue and other shit like that where strings swell and horns blow and tymphonies pound. The only thing I noticed was this one violinists tits swelling with each movement which just made me want her to blow me then pound her. After she was done with the 9th movement and took a bow I met up with her in the basement lobby and charmed my way with her and took her back to my place. I started playing some of mozart's opera and gave her a glass of red wine. After some pleasentries I decided to ask her if she liked the greeks. She said she did, so we fucked like the greeks did all night long. A neighbour was so turned on by it she came in my room and played the harp for us while I was aqcuanting my dick with her pussy. They got along fabulously and at the end of it we fed each other grapes. It was fucking heaven.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Today I went to this shady ass fucking bookstore because, you know, ladies love a man who isn't illiterate, and inevitably I ended up in the "adult" section. You can tell you're in the adult section when there's just massive heaps of semen all over the books and all around you people are fucking for a few seconds, turning a page, changing positions, then fucking for a few seconds more just to test out the book to see if it's worth buying. The first book I came across was so unrelatable to me I gave it to a fat bitch who looked like she knew exactly what was going on in it

Thinking that I had seen the worst book in that fucking shady ass bookmotherfuckingstore, I continued looking through books and came across this insulting and incredibly offensive book

FUCK! THAT! Who the fuck wrote that book? Clearly a virgin. Even a priest has had sex with little boys and knows nothing is better then a prepubescent ass. Just what books are these couples fucking to? I was scared to look further, thinking that sex just isn't what it used to be, but then I came across this subtle masterpiece which brought my spirits up

Suddenly the prospects of finding a good fucking book were looking good. Next came the titty and pussy book about hookers, which I'm usually against cause you don't have to pay to go to heaven so why should you have to pay to fuck, but shit, it had titties on it so I had to glance at it

Why did I bring up heaven you ask? Well funny you should ask because the next book I saw brought a tear to my eye

The christians guide to male fucking by CJ Mahaney, with a word to the wives by Carolyn Mahaney. Besides the fact that I'm guessing CJ and Carolyn are the same person, I'm also guessing a lot of the book says do not place lips on dicks and make sure your husband wheres a cloth instead of a condom and if he sticks his dick in your ass then he will go to hell and the wife can't shave her pussy because that would be like masturbating and god says he gave you a dick and cunt, not for sex, but for urinating so fuck you if you fuck her. Then I found the complete antithesis of that book with a classic, 70's style book about orgies and fucking as many people as possible. I believe the title says it all.

As we near the end to this book tour, we come across a book that made me realize I do, in fact, know more then one language.

Now we reach the climax of this whole book looking experience. It ends with a double billing, a one-two punch, a shocker, that I think is the best combination of books I could've ever hoped to find, and in fact have put to good use last night.

Fuck yeah, I hypnotized a two titted, one pussied woman last night and just took her to class. I might wake her up in nine months after she's had the kid. Anywho, somewhere along the way of looking at books on fucking, these two books somehow managed to enter into my rotation, and really, I'm at a loss of words as to how to describe it. So see these covers and see for yourself the genuine genius behind it.

Friday, May 26, 2006

fuck I just took a huge shit on this one bitches chest and she loved the warm dark meat on her tits. Jesus it was disgusting, yet I've never seen a chick so turned on before. It scared me so much I had to fuck the hell out of her to make sure she was in fact a woman. 6 orgasms later I decided that pussy was real and kicked her the fuck out so that I never have to use her as a toilet again. Tongues do NOT make good toilet paper. Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

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